My Splendid Vacation

Scripture Reference: Joshua 1, 3-4; Psalm 145:4-7

A lesson about memorials.

Cast:
DILLY – a southern fried chicken who doesn’t always get things straight
PASTOR JOHN – the preacher who sets her straight

Props:
Sombrero, maracas

(PASTOR JOHN is on stage talking when DILLY enters singing.)

DILLY:  ¡La cucaracha, la cucaracha, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! 

PASTOR JOHN: Oh. Hi, Dilly.

DILLY: (with a bad accent) Hola, Pastoro John.

PASTOR JOHN: Looks like you're in a good mood this morning.

DILLY: Why I'm finer than frog hair.

PASTOR JOHN: I like the maracas.

DILLY: Gracias. I got these darling things on my vacation to Mehico.

PASTOR JOHN: And the sombrero is very festive.

DILLY: I do declare, you sweet talkin' thing. Are you flirtin' with me, sir?

PASTOR JOHN: What? No, I...

DILLY: You are one tall drink of water.

PASTOR JOHN: Thanks, but I...

DILLY: And as handsome as a TV anchor man.

PASTOR JOHN: Thinks – I guess – but really...

DILLY: But I don't think it'll work out.

PASTOR JOHN: Huh?

DILLY: I know I am an FDA-approved, grade A chick, but you've got to forget about me.

PASTOR JOHN: But I never...

DILLY: My daddy would never approve of a mixed marriage.

PASTOR JOHN: I don't think...

DILLY: Let's speak of our forbidden love no more.

PASTOR JOHN: That'll suit me just fine.

DILLY: (dramatic pause) You were saying.

PASTOR JOHN: (snapping out of it) Oh, yeah. You got those on your vacation in Mexico?

DILLY: Si. I wanted something to help me remember my splendid vacation.

PASTOR JOHN: So it was a good vacation?

DILLY: It was the kind of vacation that'll knock your socks clean off and into the washer.

PASTOR JOHN: Wow! That must have been some trip. Where in Mexico did you go?

DILLY: I don't rightly recall. I reckon it has some Spanish name. But we had the most splendid time.  ¡La cucaracha, la cucaracha! 

PASTOR JOHN: Did you try any yummy food while you were there?

DILLY: I don't rightly recall, but I'm certain we did. I think it was some sort of foreign food. But we had the most splendid time.  ¡La cucaracha, la cucaracha! 

PASTOR JOHN: What did you do while you were there?

DILLY: Well...

TOGETHER: I don't rightly recall.

DILLY: But we had...

TOGETHER: the most splendid time.

DILLY: How in the name of Col. Sanders did you know I was going to say that?

PASTOR JOHN: Because you can't seem to remember much about your "splendid vacation."

DILLY: But I have this adorable sombrero and maracas.

PASTOR JOHN: Those are the things you bought to help you remember your vacation. If you don't actually remember your vacation, they are just a hat and a couple of rattles.

DILLY: Well, don't that just pepper my gumbo. You are right, sir. (getting excited) I spent all that money on a vacation, and I don't recall it. That could depress a hyena. I must go directly to my friend Flora and have her tell me about our vacation. Flora! Flora! (exits quickly)

PASTOR JOHN: (stares at stage surprised at Dilly’s sudden departure)

DILLY: (reappears) I almost forgot – bye, y’all! (exits)

Vanity, Thy Name Is Ozzie

Scripture Reference: Ecclesiastes

A skit illustrating that life is empty without God.

Cast:
OZZIE – an excitable little monster
SQUIGGLY – Ozzie’s pet worm (all of Squiggly’s lines are “said” with a kazoo)
MR. MATT – the teacher who sets him straight
THE PUPPETEER – the one who brings life to the puppets

Props:
None

(As MR. MATT ends prayer time, OZZIE is lying on stage motionless.)

MR. MATT: Good morning, Ozzie. How are you doing?

OZZIE:

MR. MATT: Ozzie?

OZZIE:

MR. MATT: Ozzie!

OZZIE:

MR. MATT: Are you OK, Ozzie?

OZZIE:

MR. MATT: (walks over and shakes OZZIE knocking him to the ground) What in the…? (stares at ground in shock)

SQUIGGLY: (enters) Yoohoo!

MR. MATT: Oh. Hey, Squiggly. (glancing at OZZIE) What’s wrong with Ozzie?

SQUIGGLY: (gives a long unintelligible answer; MR. MATT peppers in Yeah’s and Uh-huh’s like he understands)

MR. MATT: Why in the world would Ozzie think he could do anything without the puppeteer?

SQUIGGLY: I don’t know.

MR. MATT: He’s a puppet. He should know he has no life without the puppeteer.

SQUIGGLY: (speaks)

MR. MATT: That’s right. He’s just a lump of fabric without the hand of the puppeteer.

SQUIGGLY: Uh-huh.

MR. MATT: I’m sure the puppeteer would be happy to give Ozzie another chance. Would you take Ozzie to him?

SQUIGGLY: OK

(MR. MATT picks up OZZIE and passes him into the puppet stage; SQUIGGLY exits)

SQUIGGLY: (speaks offstage)

PUPPETEER: (offstage) Of course, I would, but it’s really up to Ozzie. Ozzie, do want my life in you?

OZZIE: (offstage) Yes, sir. (after a beat, OZZIE enters full of life and with a paroxysm) That’s much better!

MR. MATT: Glad to see you back to your old self, Ozzie.

OZZIE: Me too, Mr. Matt.

MR. MATT: I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

OZZIE: And how! I was such a silly little monster. I know now that I need the hand of the puppeteer to give me life.

MR. MATT: And you’re very blessed that he was willing to give you a second chance.

OZZIE: Yeah, he’s a swell guy that way. There’s just one thing I want to know. Whose hand gives life to the puppeteer?

MR. MATT: (gets ready to say “Ozzie!” then realizes that it’s a good question) You know, that’s a very good question, Ozzie.

OZZIE: Of course it is. Adios!

MR. MATT: Bye, Ozzie.

The LORD Is My Shepherd

Scripture Reference: Psalm 23

A skit showing the importance of the LORD being your shepherd.

Cast:
SHEEP – like King David, knows that the LORD is his shepherd
GOAT – tries to be the shepherd of his own life

(The SHEEP and the GOAT are standing next to each other facing the audience.)

SHEEP: The LORD is my shepherd.

GOAT: I’m in charge of my own life. I don't need a boss, I don't need a leader, and I sure don't need a shepherd. What do I look like, a sheep?

SHEEP: I shall not be in want.

GOAT: Life is hard. I have to work for everything I’ve got.

SHEEP: He makes me lie down in green pastures.

GOAT: My mom makes me mow our green pastures.

SHEEP: He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

GOAT: Life is crazy. Get up early, go to school, do my chores, do my homework, play video games, and no time for me. I need a vacation.

SHEEP: He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

GOAT: I go my own way for my own sake.

SHEEP: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

GOAT: (overly-confident) And let me tell you, going it alone… (far less confident) can be pretty scary.

SHEEP: Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

GOAT: I have a nightlight and my teddy bear, but they don’t always bring be comfort.

SHEEP: You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

GOAT: I prepare to run in the presence of my enemies. Run really fast.

SHEEP: You anoint my head with oil.

GOAT: I don’t wash my hair, so my head is already full of oil. I’m a rebel.

SHEEP: My cup overflows.

GOAT: My cup overflows, but my mom makes me mop it up.

SHEEP: Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.

GOAT: I don’t know who Shirley Goodness or this Mercy person is, but I don’t want anyone following me.

SHEEP: And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

GOAT: You know, I think I’d rather live with you. So who’s this shepherd guy you keep talking about?

(The SHEEP and the GOAT walk off quietly talking to each other.)

Adam's Nostrils (Puppet Version)

Scripture Reference: Proverbs 10:8

The Proverb is illustrated with auditions to the air band Adam's Nostrils.

Note: I've done this skit before with two kids posing as the chattering fools. A new class and new circumstances meant reworking this skit with a puppet.

Cast:
MISS REBECCA – teacher
OZZIE – chattering air guitar wannabe
3-4 kids – lead singer, drummer, etc.
1 kid – to replace the chattering wannabe

Props:
Rock-style song (I am using I'm a Believer by Cadet)

MISS REBECCA: Today, we are going to start an air band. For those who don't know what an air band is, an air band is a band that uses no real instruments. All of the instruments are made of air. For example the air guitar (pantomimes playing guitar) or air drums (pantomimes playing drums). The band is going to be called "Adam's Nostrils." You know like how God breathed air into Adam's nostrils? (Pauses to see if anyone gets it then gives up.) Anyway…
I need some volunteers to audition for Adam's Nostrils. I need a lead singer (pick a volunteer), a guitarist…

OZZIE: Oh! I’ve always wanted to play guitar. (strums air guitar)

MISS REBECCA: OK.

OZZIE: Sweet!

MISS REBECCA: We also need a bass player (pick a volunteer) and a drummer (pick a volunteer).

(During the instructions, OZZIE chatters to other band members.)

MISS REBECCA: Okay, here are the instructions: I am going to play I'm a Believer by Cadet. When the song starts, you (pointing to the singer/singers) lip-synch the song, and the rest of you pretend to play your instruments. You don't sing, and you don't make any noise.

(MISS REBECCA starts the music.)

OZZIE: (looking around for instruments) MISS REBECCA! MISS REBECCA!

MISS REBECCA: (pausing the music) What is it, Ozzie?

OZZIE: Where are the instruments?

MISS REBECCA: As I just explained, this is an air band, so you just pretend to play your instruments.

OZZIE: Oh. OK.

(MISS REBECCA starts the music. OZZIE starts making guitar sounds. MISS REBECCA pauses the music.)

MISS REBECCA: What are you doing now?

OZZIE: I'm playing guitar – and rather well, I might add.

MISS REBECCA: But you are suppose to doing it without making any noise. If you hadn’t been chattering you would have heard me explain that.

OZZIE: Sorry. I have it now.

(MISS REBECCA starts the music. As soon as the singing starts, OZZIE starts singing along. MISS REBECCA pauses the music.)

MISS REBECCA: (obviously very frustrated) What part of "You don't sing, and you don't make any noise" did you not understand?

OZZIE: But it's a good song. I think they sang it in Shrek? Did you ever see that movie, Miss Rebecca? Izzie loves Donkey, because she thinks he’s so funny. I like Puss-in-Boots better. How about you?

MISS REBECCA: Excuse me. If you could have followed instructions, you would have known what to do. Hand in your air guitar.

(MISS REBECCA takes air guitar from OZZIE. OZZIE collapse in despair.)

MISS REBECCA: Who wants to take his place? (Pick another volunteer.) You are now the guitarist. Remember: No singing! No noise!

(MISS REBECCA start the music one last time. The kids perform the song with no further incidents.)

OZZIE: Proverbs 10:8
The wise person accepts instructions,
but a chattering fool comes to ruin.
(collapses again)

MISS REBECCA: Let's give our new air band Adam's Nostrils a big hand! You guys did a great job!

A Heap O' Burning Coals

Scripture Reference: Proverbs 25:21-22, Romans 12:9-21, Matthew 5:43-48

A puppet skit showing we should return kindness for unkindness.

Cast:
D.B. – a good albeit not very bright bunny
DUDE – a bully lizard

Props:
candy
glass of water

(Opens with D.B. on stage.)

D.B.: (imitating Elvis) It's just a heap o', a heap o' burning coals.

DUDE: What is that terrible sound? Is there some poor animal that's been injured? Oh, it's D.B. singing. What are you doing, furball?

D.B.: I am practicing my memory verse, Dude. Proverbs 25:21-22: If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.

DUDE: That is the second stupidest thing I've ever seen.

D.B.: What is the stupidest?

DUDE: You. (laughs hysterically)

D.B.: That was not very nice.

DUDE: Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, you know why a rabbit’s nose is always shiny?

D.B.: Why?

DUDE: Because its powder puff is on the wrong end! (laughs) Get it, furball? Your tail looks like a powder puff, so you can't powder your nose.

D.B.: I get it.

DUDE: Of course with you (looks D.B. up and down) it's hard to tell one end from the other. (laughs) Get it, furball? It's because you're so ugly that your face looks like your backside.

D.B.: Would you like a piece of candy, Dude?

DUDE: (confused) Sure, thanks. Hey, did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?

D.B.: No.

DUDE: All he did was stand around making faces. (laughs) Get it, furball? Watch faces. Oh, I see you're making faces, too. No, wait, that is your regular face. (laughs)

D.B.: Would you like a glass of water?

DUDE: (more confused) Okay, I guess so. Do you know what you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower?

D.B.: What?

DUDE: A hare dryer. (laughs) Get it, furball? Like a rabbit is a hare.

D.B.: That is clever.

DUDE: Okay, what gives? This is my best material, and you ain't even gettin' mad. Are you having a bad hare day? (laughs) Get it, furball?

D.B.: I get it. Go on.

DUDE: Hmmm. What do you call a rabbit that sits on someone's forehead? Unsightly facial hare! (laughs) Get it, furball? Cause rabbits are so ugly, no one would want one on his face.

D.B.: I do not imagine that they would.

DUDE: Why you bein' so nice? It's no fun if you don't get hopping mad. (laughs) Get it, furball? HOPPING mad.

D.B.: Would you like to play my new PlayStation, Dude?

DUDE: (screams and leaves quickly)

D.B.: (looks after Dude then looks at memory verse) Wow! It worked. I offered him food and water, and it was like heaping burning coals on his head. Hey, and the LORD even rewarded me – Dude left. (snickers)
(exits imitating Elvis) It's just a heap o', a heap o' burning coals.