Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Compelling Like Hotcakes

He who goes to bed hungry dreams of pancakes.(Let me first offer a little backgroup on this. On Sunday, October 23, we had a special family service at our church. It involved a pancake breakfast before the service and the kids helping to lead praise. The Mr. Jeff referred to in the skit is me, and Miss Kelli is my wife.)

OZZIE – an excitable little monster
MISS KELLI – the praise leader who sets him straight

(OZZIE is on stage with the praise band and kids singing Every Move I Make. When the song ends, OZZIE continues.)

OZZIE: Na na na na… (Slowly ends as he realized no one else is singing.) Well, that’s embarrassing.

MISS KELLI: Don’t be embarrassed, Ozzie. You should hear some of my mistakes. I’m just glad to hear you make a joyful noise.

OZZIE: That’s nothing, Miss Kelli. If you really want to hear noisy, you should hear Mr. Jeff.

MISS KELLI: What do you mean?

OZZIE: He can’t carry a tune in a paper sack.

MISS KELLI: That’s not nice, and you can’t tell me that you just came here to pick on Mr. Jeff.

OZZIE: I can’t?


OZZIE: I guess that's just a bonus then.

MISS KELLI: Well, then what brought you here this morning?

OZZIE: My mom’s car.

MISS KELLI: Very funny, Ozzie. Why did you come here this morning?

OZZIE: Oh! The pancakes.

MISS KELLI: You can’t tell me the only reason you came this morning was the pancakes.

OZZIE: I can’t?

MISS KELLI: No. What about the kids singing?

OZZIE: That was sweet!

MISS KELLI: What about the other people?

OZZIE: I see ‘em. What about ‘em?

MISS KELLI: Well, did any of them greet you at the door this morning?

OZZIE: Yeah! Mr. Mike gave me a hug. Hi, Mr. Mike!

MISS KELLI: Did you meet Pastor John?

OZZIE: He’s really nice, and I’m sure his message today will be inspiring.

MISS KELLI: I’m sure it will be, too.

OZZIE: And he’s really tall.

MISS KELLI: He is tall.

OZZIE: I had to get my mountain climbing gear just to look him in the eyes.

MISS KELLI: Oh really?

OZZIE: I only made it part way up before I had to setup base camp.

MISS KELLI: How does that have anything to do with him being a good preacher?

OZZIE: I guess ‘cause his head is closer to heaven.

MISS KELLI: I don't know about that. Do you know anyone else here?

OZZIE: I know Mr. Jeff.

MISS KELLI: I already knew that. You help in children’s’ church.

OZZIE: He’s swell. (after each compliment, OZZIE gets slipped a dollar)

MISS KELLI: Yeah, but…

OZZIE: Handsome.


OZZIE: Talented.


OZZIE: Funny.


OZZIE: A great puppeteer.


OZZIE: Yes. (drops money)

MISS KELLI: Just tell me what Mr. Jeff wants you to say?

OZZIE: He says you're one hot mama.

MISS KELLI: Tell Mr. Jeff he could have picked a better time to tell me that. Anything else?

OZZIE: (leans down then turns to MISS KELLI) Nopers.

MISS KELLI: You can’t tell me the only reason you're here this morning is pancakes.

OZZIE: I can’t?

MISS KELLI: Ozzie, there are lots of non-pancake reason to be here this morning. You get to spend the morning with loving people, worship God, and hear the Word preached.

OZZIE: Well, there are certainly are lots of reasons to be here.

MISS KELLI: So if someone else were to ask you why you came here this morning are you still going to say pancakes?

OZZIE: No, ma’am. Besides, pancakes are special just for this morning.

MISS KELLI: That’s right.

OZZIE: There’s something that’s here week after week that really brings me back.

MISS KELLI: Finally, you get it. What is it?

OZZIE: The doughnuts. (exits)


Monday, October 24, 2011

My Splendid Vacation

Scripture Reference: Joshua 1, 3-4; Psalm 145:4-7

A lesson about memorials.

He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their parents, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’ - Joshua 4:20-21Cast:
DILLY – a southern fried chicken who doesn’t always get things straight
PASTOR JOHN – the preacher who sets her straight

Sombrero, maracas

(PASTOR JOHN is on stage talking when DILLY enters singing.)

DILLY:  ¡La cucaracha, la cucaracha, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! 

PASTOR JOHN: Oh. Hi, Dilly.

DILLY: (with a bad accent) Hola, Pastoro John.

PASTOR JOHN: Looks like you're in a good mood this morning.

DILLY: Why I'm finer than frog hair.

PASTOR JOHN: I like the maracas.

DILLY: Gracias. I got these darling things on my vacation to Mehico.

PASTOR JOHN: And the sombrero is very festive.

DILLY: I do declare, you sweet talkin' thing. Are you flirtin' with me, sir?

PASTOR JOHN: What? No, I...

DILLY: You are one tall drink of water.

PASTOR JOHN: Thanks, but I...

DILLY: And as handsome as a TV anchor man.

PASTOR JOHN: Thinks – I guess – but really...

DILLY: But I don't think it'll work out.


DILLY: I know I am an FDA-approved, grade A chick, but you've got to forget about me.

PASTOR JOHN: But I never...

DILLY: My daddy would never approve of a mixed marriage.

PASTOR JOHN: I don't think...

DILLY: Let's speak of our forbidden love no more.

PASTOR JOHN: That'll suit me just fine.

DILLY: (dramatic pause) You were saying.

PASTOR JOHN: (snapping out of it) Oh, yeah. You got those on your vacation in Mexico?

DILLY: Si. I wanted something to help me remember my splendid vacation.

PASTOR JOHN: So it was a good vacation?

DILLY: It was the kind of vacation that'll knock your socks clean off and into the washer.

PASTOR JOHN: Wow! That must have been some trip. Where in Mexico did you go?

DILLY: I don't rightly recall. I reckon it has some Spanish name. But we had the most splendid time.  ¡La cucaracha, la cucaracha! 

PASTOR JOHN: Did you try any yummy food while you were there?

DILLY: I don't rightly recall, but I'm certain we did. I think it was some sort of foreign food. But we had the most splendid time.  ¡La cucaracha, la cucaracha! 

PASTOR JOHN: What did you do while you were there?

DILLY: Well...

TOGETHER: I don't rightly recall.

DILLY: But we had...

TOGETHER: the most splendid time.

DILLY: How in the name of Col. Sanders did you know I was going to say that?

PASTOR JOHN: Because you can't seem to remember much about your "splendid vacation."

DILLY: But I have this adorable sombrero and maracas.

PASTOR JOHN: Those are the things you bought to help you remember your vacation. If you don't actually remember your vacation, they are just a hat and a couple of rattles.

DILLY: Well, don't that just pepper my gumbo. You are right, sir. (getting excited) I spent all that money on a vacation, and I don't recall it. That could depress a hyena. I must go directly to my friend Flora and have her tell me about our vacation. Flora! Flora! (exits quickly)

PASTOR JOHN: (stares at stage surprised at Dilly’s sudden departure)

DILLY: (reappears) I almost forgot – bye, y’all! (exits)

Monday, October 10, 2011

Vanity, Thy Name Is Ozzie

Scripture Reference: Ecclesiastes

A skit illustrating that life is empty without God.
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. - Ecclesiastes 12:13
OZZIE – an excitable little monster
SQUIGGLY – Ozzie’s pet worm (all of Squiggly’s lines are “said” with a kazoo)
MR. MATT – the teacher who sets him straight
THE PUPPETEER – the one who brings life to the puppets


(As MR. MATT ends prayer time, OZZIE is lying on stage motionless.)

MR. MATT: Good morning, Ozzie. How are you doing?


MR. MATT: Ozzie?


MR. MATT: Ozzie!


MR. MATT: Are you OK, Ozzie?


MR. MATT: (walks over and shakes OZZIE knocking him to the ground) What in the…? (stares at ground in shock)

SQUIGGLY: (enters) Yoohoo!

MR. MATT: Oh. Hey, Squiggly. (glancing at OZZIE) What’s wrong with Ozzie?

SQUIGGLY: (gives a long unintelligible answer; MR. MATT peppers in Yeah’s and Uh-huh’s like he understands)

MR. MATT: Why in the world would Ozzie think he could do anything without the puppeteer?

SQUIGGLY: I don’t know.

MR. MATT: He’s a puppet. He should know he has no life without the puppeteer.

SQUIGGLY: (speaks)

MR. MATT: That’s right. He’s just a lump of fabric without the hand of the puppeteer.


MR. MATT: I’m sure the puppeteer would be happy to give Ozzie another chance. Would you take Ozzie to him?


(MR. MATT picks up OZZIE and passes him into the puppet stage; SQUIGGLY exits)

SQUIGGLY: (speaks offstage)

PUPPETEER: (offstage) Of course, I would, but it’s really up to Ozzie. Ozzie, do want my life in you?

OZZIE: (offstage) Yes, sir. (after a beat, OZZIE enters full of life and with a paroxysm) That’s much better!

MR. MATT: Glad to see you back to your old self, Ozzie.

OZZIE: Me too, Mr. Matt.

MR. MATT: I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

OZZIE: And how! I was such a silly little monster. I know now that I need the hand of the puppeteer to give me life.

MR. MATT: And you’re very blessed that he was willing to give you a second chance.

OZZIE: Yeah, he’s a swell guy that way. There’s just one thing I want to know. Whose hand gives life to the puppeteer?

MR. MATT: (gets ready to say “Ozzie!” then realizes that it’s a good question) You know, that’s a very good question, Ozzie.

OZZIE: Of course it is. Adios!

MR. MATT: Bye, Ozzie.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The LORD Is My Shepherd

Scripture Reference: Psalm 23
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4
A skit showing the importance of the LORD being your shepherd.

SHEEP – like King David, knows that the LORD is his shepherd
GOAT – tries to be the shepherd of his own life

(The SHEEP and the GOAT are standing next to each other facing the audience.)

SHEEP: The LORD is my shepherd.

GOAT: I’m in charge of my own life. I don't need a boss, I don't need a leader, and I sure don't need a shepherd. What do I look like, a sheep?

SHEEP: I shall not be in want.

GOAT: Life is hard. I have to work for everything I’ve got.

SHEEP: He makes me lie down in green pastures.

GOAT: My mom makes me mow our green pastures.

SHEEP: He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

GOAT: Life is crazy. Get up early, go to school, do my chores, do my homework, play video games, and no time for me. I need a vacation.

SHEEP: He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

GOAT: I go my own way for my own sake.

SHEEP: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

GOAT: (overly-confident) And let me tell you, going it alone… (far less confident) can be pretty scary.

SHEEP: Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

GOAT: I have a nightlight and my teddy bear, but they don’t always bring be comfort.

SHEEP: You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

GOAT: I prepare to run in the presence of my enemies. Run really fast.

SHEEP: You anoint my head with oil.

GOAT: I don’t wash my hair, so my head is already full of oil. I’m a rebel.

SHEEP: My cup overflows.

GOAT: My cup overflows, but my mom makes me mop it up.

SHEEP: Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.

GOAT: I don’t know who Shirley Goodness or this Mercy person is, but I don’t want anyone following me.

SHEEP: And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

GOAT: You know, I think I’d rather live with you. So who’s this shepherd guy you keep talking about?

(The SHEEP and the GOAT walk off quietly talking to each other.)