You shall not covet...

Vanity, Thy Name Is Ozzie

Scripture Reference: Ecclesiastes

A skit illustrating that life is empty without God.

Cast:
OZZIE – an excitable little monster
SQUIGGLY – Ozzie’s pet worm (all of Squiggly’s lines are “said” with a kazoo)
MAX – Ozzie’s boisterous pal
THE PUPPETEER – the one who brings life to the puppets

(The scene opens with OZZIE lying on stage motionless when MAX enters.)

MAX: Good morning, Ozzie. How are you doing?

OZZIE:

MAX: Yeah, I have days like that too, where I don’t feel much like talking. That’s why I start my day off with a coffee IV.

OZZIE:

MAX: You look lower than a bow legged caterpillar.Lemme tell you a joke to cheer you up. How does that sound?

OZZIE:

MAX: Great! You know how to make a tissue dance? (pause) Blow a little boogie into it. (laughs at his own joke)

OZZIE:

MAX: No. How about this one: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke Skywalker at dinner? (pause) May the forks be with you. (laughs at his own joke)

OZZIE:

MAX: Hmmm. I know, I know. Why did the chicken cross the playground? (pause) To get to the other slide. (laughs at his own joke)

OZZIE:

MAX: Hey, this is my best stuff, and you’re being quieter than a mouse sleeping in cotton. It’s time to bring out the big guns. Knock, knock.

OZZIE:

MAX: I said, “Knock, knock.”

OZZIE:

MAX: I said… (walks over and shakes OZZIE knocking him to the ground) Uh oh! (stares at ground in shock)

SQUIGGLY: (enters) Yoohoo!

MAX: Oh. Hey, Squiggly. (glancing at OZZIE) What’s wrong with Ozzie?

SQUIGGLY: (gives a long unintelligible answer; MAX peppers in Yeah’s and Uh-huh’s like he understands)

MAX: What in the name of Charlie McCarthy was he thinking. How does Ozzie think he could do anything without the puppeteer?

SQUIGGLY: (speaks)

MAX: That’s right. He’s just a lifeless lump of fabric without the hand of the puppeteer.

SQUIGGLY: Uh-huh.

MAX: I’m sure the puppeteer would be happy to give Ozzie another chance. Would you take Ozzie to him?

SQUIGGLY: OK

(SQUIGGLY exits)

SQUIGGLY: (speaks offstage)

PUPPETEER: (offstage) Of course, I would, but it’s really up to Ozzie. Ozzie, do want my life in you?

OZZIE: (offstage) Yes, sir. (after a beat, OZZIE enters full of life and with a paroxysm) That’s much better!

MAX: Glad to see you back to your old self, Ozzie.

OZZIE: Me too, Max.

MAX: I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

OZZIE: And how! I was such a silly little monster. I know now that I need the hand of the puppeteer to give me life.

MAX: And you’re very blessed that he was willing to give you a second chance.

OZZIE: Yeah, he’s a swell guy that way. There’s just one thing I want to know. Whose hand gives life to the puppeteer?

MAX: That’s the silliest thing you’ve ever… (then realizes that it’s a good question) You know, that’s a very good question, Ozzie.

OZZIE: Of course it is. How?

MAX: We need the puppeteer's hand to bring us life; puppeteers need God's hand to bring them life.

OZZIE: Otherwise they're just lifeless lumps of fabric?

MAX: Something like that. Their sin takes away their life. When they become Christians, they are filled with God's life.

OZZIE: That's sweet!

MAX: Sweeter than my mama’s banana cream pie. Now that you’re back to yourself, lemme tell you that knock- knock joke.

OZZIE: (frantic) Oh snap! I may have been better off as lifeless lump of fabric! (runs of screaming)

MAX: Ozzie! (chases after OZZIE) Knock, knock! Knock, knock!

You Fool!

Scripture Reference: Exodus 20:13, Matthew 5:21-22

A lesson about the commandment not to kill.

Cast:
DILLY – a southern fried chicken who doesn’t always get things straight
MR. MIKE – the teacher who sets her straight

(MR. MIKE starts on stage.)

DILLY: (enters yelling to someone offstage) You foolish, foolish rooster! I cain't believe you carry on so! Good bye, sir!

MR. MIKE: Dilly! Who are you talking to like that?

DILLY: That fool of a little bantam rooster. He's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice, bless his heart.

MR. MIKE: That's not very nice.

DILLY: I'm sure his mamma loves him, but I'm just saying... Anyway, I didn't come here today to talk about that scoundrel. I understand you are teaching these young chicks about the 10 Commandments. Being the righteous and virtuous chicken I am, I thought I would offer my assistance.

MR. MIKE: I think we have it under control. Today we are talking about "You shall not murder."

DILLY: Well, I'm not sure I'd have much to offer on that anyway – having, of course, never murdered anyone. I don't even like stepping on ants. I do declare that I am quite innocent of this one.

MR. MIKE: Actually, Jesus said anyone who is angry with his (or her) brother is subject to judgement, and anyone who says "You fool!" will be answerable to God.

DILLY: You're joshing me.

MR. MIKE: Cross my heart. Jesus says you are just as guilty before God as a murderer if you call someone a fool.

DILLY: That don't rightly seem fair. Killing someone is much worse.

MR. MIKE: In one sense, that's true. No one is going to prison for name calling. But God cannot tolerate any sin, whether it's murder or calling someone a fool. All sin makes you guilty.

DILLY: Well, tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud. I've never heard such a thing.

MR. MIKE: The Pharisees thought they were more righteous, because they kept the commandments. Do you know anyone like that, Dilly?

DILLY: (whisper) You mean Flora?

MR. MIKE: (whisper) No! (normal voice) Jesus was teaching them – and you – that no one is righteous because of the Law. We are only counted as righteous by having faith in God.

DILLY: Don't that just sauté my gizzard. And there are so many that I've call a fool. I must go at once and make amends. Who to go to first? (running back & forth) That little bantam rooster... No, the cow... No, the pig... No, Mr. Mike... No, Flora... (exits quickly)

MR. MIKE: (stares at stage surprised at Dilly’s sudden departure)

DILLY: (reappears) I almost forgot – bye, y’all! (exits)

Sabbath and the Rest

Scripture Reference: Exodus 20:8-11

A lesson on keeping the Sabbath.

Cast:
OZZIE – an excitable little monster
MISS REBECCA – the teacher who sets him straight

(MISS REBECCA starts on stage.)

MISS REBECCA: (pauses after prayer; looks at watch) Ozzie should be here. I wonder where he is?

OZZIE: (from backstage) Yeah, pick me up from church... It's behind The Wall... Not a brick wall, silly. The Wall Chinese restaurant... OK, see you at noon. Bye.(enters and looks around) Why's everyone staring at me? Do I have something in my fur? This stuff attracts everything. The other day I found a slice of pizza in my fur.

MISS REBECCA: That's gross.

OZZIE: Actually, it was yummy. So why is everyone staring at me?

MISS REBECCA: We were just waiting on you. Sounds like you have big plans after church.

OZZIE: I got big plans all day.

MISS REBECCA: Oh, really? Like what?

OZZIE: Well, after church I got soccer practice. My friend Ernie's mom is going to take us.

MISS REBECCA: What else?

OZZIE: Then my folks are going to take Izzie and me to a movie.

MISS REBECCA: That sounds like fun. What are you going to see?

OZZIE: We're going to see Being Elmo. Ozzie like Elmo.

MISS REBECCA: Who doesn't?

OZZIE: Then I have play practice at school.

MISS REBECCA: Oh. What play are you doing?

OZZIE: Pinocchio.

MISS REBECCA: Who are you playing? Jiminy Cricket?

OZZIE: You're just saying that because I'm green.

MISS REBECCA: Well, I...

OZZIE: That's very colorist of you.

MISS REBECCA: Sorry, I shouldn't have made assumptions. Who are you playing?

OZZIE: Jiminy Cricket.

MISS REBECCA: But, I... Never mind. Is that all?

OZZIE: Oh, no! Then I'm going over to Bert's house to play video games. He thinks he can beat me at Monster Trucks.

MISS REBECCA: But he can't?

OZZIE: Of course not. I'm a monster!

MISS REBECCA: Makes sense. Anything else?

OZZIE: Yeah, then I gotta soccer game.

MISS REBECCA: I thought you already had soccer.

OZZIE: That was practice. This is a game. We're playing the Palmer Polecats.

MISS REBECCA: Are they any good?

OZZIE: They stink! (pauses for laughter from the kids) Cause a polecat is a skunk, and skunks stink. Get it? It's a joke. (pauses for laugh) Anyway – then I go home and do my homework & go to bed.

MISS REBECCA: That's awfully late to start homework. Why didn't you do it yesterday?

OZZIE: I was too busy.

MISS REBECCA: Too busy? Today seems too busy.

OZZIE: Yeah, I got a lot going on. I almost didn't make it to church.

MISS REBECCA: Well, that wouldn't have been good. Have you ever heard of Sabbath Rest?

OZZIE: Is that when my mom and dad take a nap on Sunday afternoon?

MISS REBECCA: No. It has to do with the fourth Commandment, which says to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. That means setting aside one day of the week as different, where we focus on things of God and not of this world.

OZZIE: So my folks shouldn't take a nap?

MISS REBECCA: A nap is fine. In fact, I am a strong advocate of naps. It means you shouldn't push God out. You should focus on Him everyday, but more so on Sunday.

OZZIE: I see what you mean. I'm so busy, I have no time for God. I'll see about clearing my schedule for next Sunday.

MISS REBECCA: That would be great.

DILLY: (offstage) Ozzie, honey.

OZZIE: Just a second. (leans down to hear whisper then returns) Oh that’s right. I’ll have to start in two weeks.

MISS REBECCA: Why do you have to wait?

OZZIE: I forgot I have to help Dilly clean her house.

MISS REBECCA: Can’t she do it without you?

OZZIE: No, she says I’m the best dust mop she’s ever used. (exits)

MISS REBECCA: Ozzie!